My heart is beating so fast and I’m so sick of all of this. How ignorant can a person be? How inconsiderate can a person be? This is straight up bullshit. I am done riding with you and I am done letting you tell me nothing is wrong when this time something is 100% definitely fucking wrong.
I can’t believe this is how my first semester is going to start. I’m one of the few people in the entire university that has a class tomorrow, and I get screwed over so badly and it’s too late to change anything. This is a reality check.
I know now 100% I’m not important to you. You’re ruining this.
fuck trying to be happy.
Has made me feel so different. It was good. It was needed. It was eye-opening. I have had time to think about the past, about what’s in my life right now, and what I need to have in order to be happy in the future. My main question that I have addressed over and over in my mind - is it really you? I don’t think so. I keep thinking about how I am in the prime years of my life and how these years should not go to waste. Even though I have a serious college career ahead of me, it wouldn’t hurt to break lose and have some fun for once. I’m talking about real fun. Daring, trying new things, and happy fun. Right now, I am having more than safe fun. I am sitting around and letting someone dictate the decisions I make, the things I do, and how I spend my time. I feel tied down and I feel like it’s not even worth to be tied down. It would help if I felt like it was worth it. At one point, I do admit, I felt it. That feeling has drifted away more and more as the days on my calendar digress. I sit here in my bed and deny people’s requests to hang out. I can’t hang out with my really good friend Kyle because what, he’s a boy? He is a really good friend and that’s it. I really am getting sick of the fact that I am not “allowed” to hang out with him. I’m really annoyed with it all.
I’m tired of sitting on my computer. There are times when I really do enjoy just relaxing here and watching these shows that I find to be incredibly entertaining, but there is a certain point where I just feel like a lazy pig. I can’t wait to go back to college and have my own dorm next year hopefully. I am crossing my fingers big time for an E room. I will do whatever I can to get one. I really hope that I am lucky enough and God is on my side with this. I really can’t handle another roommate stress-fest that I have had and still do have in a way. I need privacy and I need a quiet room to study. I don’t know why that isn’t a reasonable request, especially since I will be an upperclassman. Sigh. Hope that all works out.
The nursing application should be released in the next weeks. I will have to email the reference form to Debbie / mail it to her and then call up Everson and ask for an address to mail it to along with the pre-addressed envelope. I wish I had a car. I wish I had my own place. I wish I had some successful desk job here that allowed me to make big bucks so I didn’t have to go to college. I want to live in New York, I want to live in Minneapolis, I don’t want to live in some weird ass city in Minnesota. Unless it’s nice. Whatever.
I’m really so close to change. I need to stick up for myself.
PS. Aaron Paul you are so attractive.
All I ask for but I guess that’s too much. It’s time to move on. No matter how badly I don’t want to. It is time.
Tonight wasn’t fun. I had to act stupid to get along with people I should be able to act myself around. This is why I only have a couple of people I still have a desire to hang out with. This is why I am going to grow up with an insanely successful job and you guys probably aren’t. I know tons of people drink and act the way these past friends used to act, but it’s not me, and I think that I am a better person because of it. I may be wrong, or I may be right, but this is what feels right to me. I don’t like acting fake or swallowing my pride and letting people annoy me or act so differently around me. I am just sick of it.. idk. Blah. I just want to be alone.
Whenever this dumb stuff happens. It’s not fair, and I am sick of acting like it is. If things don’t change then I am going to go back to how things used to be. It’s weird that her Twitter says that shit too. I wouldn’t even doubt you still somehow talk to her. I am so just fed up.
I want something different.
uh oh.
I dare you.
There’s not a single person I know that doesn’t under-estimate me big time. I know my potential, I know how smart and hard-working I really am, and I know how much people belittle my intelligence. Pisses me off so much sometimes, but I guess it just adds fuel to my fire.
Just an extra side note: you are not as smart as you think you are. I’m tired of you treating me like every single thing that comes out of my mouth isn’t substantial or worth listening to. Grow up.
I think I’m falling in love with Blake Henderson and I’m a little nervous about it.
